Possbly the worst team in a sci-fi show ever.

With Miracle Day on the way, not to mention the surprising excellence of 2009's Children of Earth, I have a strangely misplaced desire to go back and rewatch some of the better instalments from Torchwood's original 26 episodes.

But exactly which ones are really worth watching?! Using the means of my memory alone, I've briefly dissected each episode and wondered whether or not I'd revisit them.

First up, season one. Or, season howling despair as some would call it.

Everything Changes
Let's face it, there are much worse first episodes. It's not going to win a bloody Hugo Award, but it doesn't do that bad a job of setting up the series. I mean, I could bang on all day about the fundamental flaws in the very framework of the show itself, but I won't. Turning Captain Jack into Captain Scarlet was a colossal mistake, though. It's plainly obvious to me from this episode that Russell T Davies should've written more episodes of the series and not handed it over to Chris Chibnall, because I'm almost positive it would've turned out better. Unfortunately, it's got the Owen date rape scene in it. Fuck.
Would I Rewatch It? Yes. I can't get enough of Gwen saying "let's stop playing silly buggers".

Day One
Not to be confused with Children of Earth: Day One, as the results of such a mix-up wouldn't really be all that pleasant. Torchwood tries to say "look at us, we're all adult and mature and there's shagging and stuff", but gets it all wrong thanks to the amazingly cheesy and hackneyed "sex alien" plot. There's something terrifyingly un-sexy and sleazy about this episode (possibly the point, but it makes you want to take a shower when its finished) - the disgusting scene where a security man wanks off over a CCTV screen showing two teenagers having sex in a bathroom will haunt me forever. The sudden, jarring attempts at poignancy in the climax where Jack kills the alien and then says "travel halfway across the universe for the greatest sex, still end up dying alone" is like something out of Garth Marenghi's Darkplace. Also, Gwen is essentially responsible for every single one of the many sex-deaths and suffers zero consequences. Brilliant.
Would I Rewatch It? No. Although the Sir Digby Chicken Caesar camera stuff was really funny.

Ghost Machine
Wake me up when it's finished, mum. Possibly the most tedious hour of TV I've ever seen, wasting a decent idea with a considerably less decent execution (I'll be saying this a lot) - Helen Raynor's stodgy script must shoulder much of blame. Gwen makes lots of silly faces and ends up stabbing Blake out of Blake's 7. There's also a ridiculous scene involving a shooting range that made me want to claw my face off. The rest of the episode is so crushingly, mind-numbingly boring I can't remember very much else, although at least it looks and feels a bit more like actual adult drama, excruciatingly dull as it is.
Would I Rewatch It? No. I'd rather watch Evolution of the Daleks. It was actually fun, in a mad sort of way.

Cyberwoman

A bloo bloo bloo.

Oh god, this one. Where do I start? It's just so, so bad I'm not sure there really is a good place to start, so I'll try and wing it. Chris Chibnall strikes again with an episode that has now become infamous, and rightly so: The Firefly rip-off opening scene. Cyber-tits and high heels. Barbeque sauce. That stupid pterodactyl. Clichéd sci-fi red lighting. Ianto blubbering and gurning like a complete mental. Some dialogue about a dog pissing on a tent? Gwen and Owen getting it on in a locker. Mentioning hard-ons. The brain transplant. And yet, and yet, despite all that madness and awfulness it still manages to be really boring
Would I Rewatch It? Yes. And by yes I mean absolutely not.

Small Worlds
What's this, a legitimately good episode? And from the writer of Sapphire & Steel, too! This one was a bit good, wasn't it? It was creepy and had a nicely downbeat ending (which would soon become the Torchwood norm, oh well). And while the human/CGI fairy interaction was really pretty amateurish it had the cool stuff with people coughing up rose petals.
Would I Rewatch It? Yes.

Countrycide
In a way this is even worse than Cyberwoman. Yes, it has the famous, much-LiveJournal icon'd scene with Ianto and the fridge, and there's Toshiko with a gun, but that's literally it. Nothing with the deathless line of dialogue "have you ever cum so hard and so fast you forgot where you were?" can be good, and that's very much the case here. This episode is pure horseshit, spectacularly ruining another decent idea. Chibnall's script is so bad and clichéd that it defies belief, especially the pre-titles scene with the girl in a car. The bit where Jack comes bursting in, all guns blazing, might be one of the worst scenes of anything ever. And that final scene with Gwen and Owen is harrowing for all the wrong reasons.
Would I Rewatch It? No. If you've seen more than three horror movies you've already seen it anyway and it's not even remotely scary.

Torchwood needed more of this.

Greeks Bearing Gifts
This episode probably turns out to be quite decent partly because it's Toshiko-centric, but mainly because Toby "Being Human" Whithouse's script is actually rather good and does some interesting things with the "one of the main characters can hear other people's thoughts" plot. It's still not brilliant, suffering as it does from season one's annoying, rushed production stodginess, but it ain't bad.
Would I Rewatch It? Yes.

They Keep Killing Suzie
I don't remember a whole lot about this one, apart from the fact that it squicked me up quite a bit on a few occasions and that it totally reinforced why they should never have killed off Suzie in the first place. Indira Varma a much better actor than the others by miles, not to mention rather gorgeous. I do remember some daft stuff with a beefy man in a club, but overall I think my impression was mostly favourable.
Would I Rewatch It? Yes.

Random Shoes
It couldn't last. My overriding memory of this one is bursting out laughing when Eugene's dad starts singing 'Danny Boy' at his funeral. For ages. I nearly choked. Apart from that it's Love & Monsters with less conviction and has Gwen being a right dozy cow. And it just goes on and on and on.
Would I Rewatch It? No. Not unless it has the very fitting Children's BBC logo in the corner like it did when it first went out on BBC3.

Come for the eye candy, stay for the thrilling plots.

Combat
It's Fight Club with Weevils and bloody nothing happens until the last ten minutes. Owen (yes, it's Owen-centric) has lots of homoerotic tension with a man who looks like a living puppet.
Would I Rewatch It? No.

Out of Time
Christ, finally! A genuinely good episode! Catherine Tregenna's script is quite excellent: sensitive, thought-provoking and a tiny bit disturbing. Owen suddenly feels like a real human being! Brilliantly acted, with some wonderful moral dilemmas at its core.
Would I Rewatch It? I would. 

Captain Jack Harkness
People love this one but I can barely remember it, apart from Toshiko cutting herself with a manky bit of tin and the two Jacks having a snog in the middle of the dance floor which definitely wouldn't have met with the reaction it did in real life back in the 40s. There's also a Vote Saxon poster in there.
Would I Rewatch It? Yes.

End of Days

Very funny guys, now where's the real season finale?

God, what were they thinking? Who thought this would be fit for broadcast? Why didn't The Mill go on strike and refuse to render the final Big Bad? Torchwood was slowly building up an ounce of credibility and then Chibnall comes barging in and destroys it. There's some horribly un-compelling and nihilistic inter-team drama (oh gosh, I do so love a TV series where all the characters are completely horrible and hate each other!). Some nice moments and ideas (the black plague, the vision of Toshiko's mum) are ruined by the catastrophically shit climax in which a CGI demon stomps around Cardiff and John Barrowman shouts on a hill. The TARDIS cameo surprisingly fails to make up for it.
Would I Rewatch It? No. CHIBNAAAALLLLLL.