Torchwood's new album We Are A Disgrace out July 4th.

The second and final instalment in my "which episodes of Torchwood have any lasting value and I'd honestly rewatch" trawl.

As logic dictates, season two is going under the microscope. Expect surprising results.

Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang
Oh I see, after the generally scathing critical reaction the first season got, we've gone all self-parody have we? To be honest it feels a bit desperate rather than cute ("Bloody Torchwood" do ho ho ho), but I remember finding this one awfully entertaining in a shallow sort of way. It's an improvement but not an especially dramatic one, although it does have the good taste not to be dreadfully boring like the vast majority of the first season's episodes. The team work much better together and it looks far less cheap, but it's still riddled with problems: The Blowfish describing everyone's personalities and secrets at the beginning is a pants bit of writing and the Gwen/Jack stuff feels bizarre and out of place, especially considering they never mention it again. Also, it feels like an episode of Angel, which isn't helped by Spike Captain John running around. Fun fact: it's the only episode of the season where Captain Jack isn't completely insufferable.
Would I Rewatch It? Yes.

Sleeper
I enjoyed this one at the time, but my memories of it really aren't that great and certainly don't inspire me to revisit it. There's Jack being a colossal cunt, Ianto's dialogue being replaced with endless quips, a dodgy main guest star, a veritable boatload of Terminator rip-off moments and an exciting climax that looks like something out of a fan film.
Would I Rewatch It? No. I think I can live without seeing it again.

To the Last Man
In which Helen Raynor mixes together all the elements of the more successful episodes from the first season (and her own Ghost Machine) and produces something that feels rather faceless and tired. It's not terrible but I just couldn't stop thinking that I'd seen it all before. And I sort of had.
Would I Rewatch It? No.

Meat

Delicious.

"What have they done to you my dear friend?" I like how Jack gets all wobbly-lipped in this one despite being a dickhead of such epic proportions for the vast majority of the season, and all it took was an unconvincing CGI space whale. I remember liking this one quite a bit, because of good stuff like Gwen and Rhys' realistic blazing row, to Ianto getting to kick a bit of arse, to the giant hypodermic needle. Probably the weakest of Catherine Tregenna's episodes, but still pretty decent.
Would I Rewatch It? Yes, my dear friend.

Adam
The best episode of the season, but my god does John Barrowman do everything in his power to sink it. Barrowman's performances were of a much lower standard this season and Adam is full of some quality moments of pure Barrowman Cheese. Who will ever forget "MUM JOINS US!!!"? Thankfully he doesn't do much damage, because this is generally a surprisingly good episode, full of out of character stuff that ranges from charming to really fucking disturbing. Ianto gets to do some more crying, but this time it feels justified because the episode utterly destroys him.
Would I Rewatch It? Yessir.

Reset
Evil Jim Robinson. Martha. Insects. Owen bites it, albeit temporarily. The camera contact lenses make their first appearance. A bit dodgy at the start, but it becomes pretty gripping and exciting stuff.
Would I Rewatch It? Yes.

Dead Man Walking

Burn Gorman forced to watch the season one boxset.

Oh fuck right off. Season two pretty much hits the "QUALITY ABORT" button with this horribly misguided offering. To give you an idea of the epic levels of fail we're looking at here, they actually manage to make the Grim Reaper, the single most feared symbol in the history of human expression, rubbish. That takes some doing. Owen's cripplingly hilarious tussle with Death itself is almost the worst thing the Whoniverse has shit out since its return to telly in 2005. And why does Jack revive Owen anyway? Because he's a selfish fucking bastard, that's why. And is this the one with the Captain Jack dressed as a knight trading card? I think it is. But really, the problem with this one is there's just too much Owen. He's in every scene. Honestly, I seriously think they misjudged the audience's tolerance of how much Owen content per episode they could possibly take. Martha is in this one, apparently. I think I sneezed and missed her.
Would I Rewatch It? Maybe the scene with the upside down puking. Apart from that it's a big fat no.

A Day in the Death
God, not more Owen stuff. I mean, Joseph Lidster's script is really rather good, if a bit pretentious at times. It could've been an excellent episode if it focused on any other character (even Jack!). Unfortunately it asks us to care about Owen, which is quite frankly completely and utterly impossible. I couldn't care less about Owen - he's a rapist and a complete dickhead. Whenever I think of Torchwood I'm more likely to think of the gap between Eve Myles' teeth than Owen. You can be as profound as you want with a bloody alien lava lamp and you can bring in Richard Briers as well, but my god, you cannot make me care about Owen. Jack is so terrible in this I almost chewed through my arm in disgust. Martha has about one line. It feels like it's about ten hours long. The scene where Toshiko fades into the background is quality, though.
Would I Rewatch It? No. It was hard enough the first time round.

Something Borrowed

This is literally the worst show.

I find it difficult to be too hard on this load of absolute bollocks. Phil Ford, a writer whose work I have an awful lot of time for, absolutely went to town here and made it as gleefully stupid as possible. It's not even remotely close to being decent, but it's strangely good-natured, like a likeable Cyberwoman. I love how Gwen is essentially barking mad in this one, constantly referring to the alien hell spawn inside her as "the baby" and insisting that the wedding goes ahead NO MATTER WHAT. But nothing could prepare me for John Barrowman's turn as the campest monster in the history of science fiction. Just watch him as he sniffs Owen's lifeless corpse and then flounces out of the room like a vampiric transvestite.
Would I Rewatch It? No. But with regret!

From Out of the Rain
I could be forgiven for thinking this episode was going to be great, couldn't I? PJ Hammond, the writer of Small Worlds and Sapphire & Steel (one of the bestest things ever) was back, and the episode was about an evil circus! Brilliant! What I got was a big pile of shite, which isn't really a substitute for a good episode of telly, is it? I knew this episode was doomed when we got to the scene where the nurse hears Jack saying "From out of the rain" and says "Where have I heard those words before?". Really? It's not like it's some bloody super obscure phrase, is it? After that we get the slaughter of a small child's entire family being treated optimistically, the hilarious climax, the Blink-copying final scene with the film canister, and the awfully un-scary scene where the Night Travellers come out of the film in the cinema, with Ianto and Jack peering out from behind the stalls like a couple of teenagers who've sneaked into a porno. Julian Bleach's Paul Darrow impression is great, though.
Would I Rewatch It? No.

Adrift
I think Chris Chibnall wanted this to be his "masterpiece". I can see him straining and sweating in front of his computer, desperate to produce an episode that will be emotional and disturbing, an episode that the fans will love and forgive him for his multitude of prior sins. Adrift is not that episode. It tries way too hard. Everything could've been sorted if Jack had stopped being such an enigmatic cunt and had an actual conversation with Gwen. Speaking of which, Gwen is at her worst ever in this episode. Even PC Andy is unlikeable and annoying! There are so many plotholes. The lovely Ruth Jones is completely wasted. You can't scream non-stop for 20 hours - it's not disturbing, it's just bloody stupid.
Would I Rewatch It? No. Nice try Chris but no cigar.

Fragments
Torchwood: Secret Origins. I have problems with the whole bomb framework of this episode, but apart from that it really was well past time that we got to see the back stories of this team of idiots. John Barrowman is ghastly for most of it, but otherwise this is easily Chibnall's best episode. Toshiko and Owen's stories are great (ah, so that's why he's horrible!) and even Jack's has its moments, namely the scene where the previous Torchwood leader has a complete meltdown. Ianto's story was pants and unfunny, though. That pterodactyl was a crap idea and I don't know why they didn't drop it at the earliest possible opportunity.
Would I Rewatch It? Yes.

Exit Wounds

John Barrow-HAM. I'm hilarious.

More like Execrable Wounds. One of the worst season finales of all time, even worse than End of Days if that's possible. Gray is amazing: the result of some kind of magical happenstance where a truly terrible actor portrays an utterly shit character. It's quite obvious that he was cast due to his physical resemblance to Barrowman, because otherwise I really don't know what they were thinking. And speaking of Barrowman, he gives his all time worst performance here. There really are no words for the depths he plumbs. I was tempted to give this episode a free ride, but it truly fucks up beyond redemption when it buries Jack alive for about two thousand years, an event that doesn't seem to bother him in the slightest. He doesn't even look all that dirty when he gets dug up! I was hoping he'd look all emaciated and hairy, with massively long fingernails or something like in that Red Dwarf episode, but they completely bottled it. That Toshiko, the only really likeable character in the series, dies in this episode is the ultimate insult. Her death scene and goodbye video are the only highlights of this thankless load of arse, so I guess we should be grateful. Oh, and Owen finally dies for good. Woo.
Would I Rewatch It? Fuck off.

And after all that, what have we learnt? Absolutely nothing. I don't ever want to talk Torchwood ever again.